the hardest year 10 years without you 12/01/2014 / Mum Read >>
the hardest year 10 years without you 12/01/2014 / Mum
10 years such a long long time to not have seen you Gem yet it feels like yesterday that your life ended so suddenly!
I still say now I will never accept why you??? Why you had to leave our family??? Yet I have to accept your never coming back!
Each year since 2004 as a family we have always tried to do something around your birthday and anniversary to try and help us with living life without you, we have been to New York 3 times now a place you visited and loved! just wish we had been able to visit with you to see all the beautiful places you spoke about..
Nothing ever makes a difference in our lives as nothing can ever give us life as it was when you were here..
Every year Dec 1st gets me taken back to that dreadful day you lost your fight for life as if it were yesterday! I relive this time so much from November 27th through to Dec 1st each and every year that has passed nothing changes.. this year as always we spend the time together with your brother and sisters nieces and nephew we all could not concentrate at work on this sad day therefore spending it together just as we did the day we were told you were gone is how we cope and have coped since 2004..
I often sit and wonder what you would look like as a 30 year old I try so hard to imagine yet whenever I look at your beautiful face in a photo I only ever see a 20 year old fresh faced full of life young woman!!
You should have had your whole life ahead of you instead of it being taken in such a tragic senseless way, I will never understand why?? Why my child?? Why you??
We visit the tree in Chingford every birthday and anniversary yet so wish we did not have this tree as the reasons it’s here were for your many friends who wanted a place to come and remember you!! Where are they now?? We never see any signs that any one of them have visited not a flower a momento nothing to say you are remembered!
No longer living in London ourselves this is the only reason we return we could never leave this tree without visiting so for as long as me and your Dad live and are able Gemma we will always visit at these times…
I will always wish I could tell you all this to your face instead of writing a letter my heart is forever broken and the feelings of emptiness are still the same..
You maybe gone from our sight yet the love we all have for you in our hearts can never die..
Love you always and forever Gemma
Mum Dad sisters Natalie Marie, brother Scott nieces Jessica Emma Summer nephew Daniel xx Close
9 years / Mum (Heartbroken mum )
I can't believe it is that time again! Each year seems to fly by so quickly yet each year doesn't get easier especially leading up to 1st December both Dad and I always relive events of 2004 like it happened yesterday everything is so clear in our minds I believe this is because it happened in such a short space of time you left the house to go shopping perfectly fit and healthy yet never ever came home again!
This is so hard to come to terms with to this day I don't think I have or ever will accept you had to die, I will never stop missing so much of what life would have in store for you! you were only 20 with your whole life ahead yet in a split second you were gone! Those days from27th November until 1st December 2004 we can never ever get away from especially as the date approaches
There have been so many special occasions this year for our family Scott celebrated his 21st birthday 24th September and we visited your tree to include you in his special day that evening I stupidly broke my wrist! and am still suffering with it now so will never forget Scott's 21st!
Dad celebrated his 60th birthday 26th November a date he always remembers so clearly as it were our last family meal together with you 2004, so every year is always now so difficult we still go out for dinner to celebrate but are so conscious that you are not with us, as always we are all together on1st December and like to do something "happy" so the grandchildren will not always remember this day being so sad, of course they know of you their auntie Gemma and know this day is special to us and this year is no different we are going to Santa's Christmas Grotto in Milton Keynes the little ones get to see Santa as well as see a show and we all have a turkey dinner therefore we turn what is always a sad day into some fun for us all...you so loved this time of year and I still remember you always putting the tree up on 1st December how ironic this was to be the date your life ended...a day we will never ever forget the same as the love we have for you Gemma is as strong now as it ever was..
Your sister Natalie is to be married 10th December and we have your candle and picture so you will be part of her special day as we always will include you, although I'm sure it will be a lovely day with the venue all decorated with Christmas tree's and decorations it will still be tinged with sadness that your not with us too..
9 years and it seems like only yesterday! Yet soooo long since I held you hugged you or heard your voice..
We miss you so much darling Gemma and always will..
Mum Dad Natalie Marie & Scott
Jessica Emma Daniel & Summer.. Close
Never ever stop missing you / Mum
My darling Gemma.
I always would visit this site daily it was my way of keeping you in my life I were looking for someway anyway of making life as it was but in these 9years I have found that nothing will ever be the same ever again.. We have moved house so many times since you left this for me was looking for someway of making things right making life the same yet each time I have moved house I still find myself unable to totally settle I want life to be as it was 2004 before that fateful terrible time that changed me forever!! I have had so much counselling over these years that have got me to where IAm today.. I carry on with living Gem as this is all I can do I have no option I will always wrack my brain as to why you were only to be on this earth for 20 years I know,I will never find the answers maybe until I die myself...so much has happened Gem in our family I thought that when you died the family would all be together no falling out as life is so so short you are proof of that yet here we are 2013 and things have gone back to how they were before even death does not seem to make a difference to some peoples lives I am sure my siblings don't even think of you Gem then I can't expect them to think of you as much as I do you are a part of me that has been wrenched away and it feels like a part of my heart is missing I certainLy know it is broken..
your sister Natalie is to be Married December 10th at such a beautiful venue you would love it Gem I can imagine you doing all our makeup on the day as well as helping Natalie with the organising of things you had such an eye for beautiful things...I miss you so much Gem I always will but More so at special times this year especially as Scott is now 21 an age you never reached! I will never forget his birthday as it was the same day that I broke my wrist! I am sitting here now writing one handed as still in plaster I have had so much time to think and tonight Gem I find myself listening to all the songs on this website and watching video clips takes me back to the early days and the tears still come... I know that life goes on but never can I accept you hD to leave me I never ever will Dad also has a special birthday this year always the date he last saw you so always a reminder of 2004 we always had our family dinner and we still do yet when I look around the table,I,still miss seeing,your beautiful smiling face this would be something I yearn for just one more time! The family is now bigger yet I still miss you Nd always will miss you Gem whenever we are all together.. I have to hope that one day I can get comfort that I will see you again but I'm still so unsure of what I believe... I would like to believe there is so ethereal we all go she we leave this earth yet until it is my turn I never will..
It is so near to yet another anniversary of you leaving and each year it never gets any easier it's so easy for people not living this life to think we are used to you not being here how wrong that is!!
I love you so much Gem and I always will never can I forget such a beautiful life that is YOU..
Sleep tight sweetheart
Missing You / Emma
Gemma,well a lot has happened since I last since I last came on here, I know I don't come on here much, but your always in my heart and mind. No one can ever feel the pain I feel, I miss you more than words can say! Another day goes by without seeing you... Its just hit me that I will never be able to see my beautiful anut again. That's breaks my heart! I tend just to keep it all in and not really talk about it, but it just gathers up and I end up feeling worse. Anyway, I've started my options at school, means I've got a lot of coursework to do:( last week I got at least 2 bits of homework everyday... So that's what I've been doing all week and weekend:( these 2 years that are a head of me are about getting the grades I want, so I can go and live my dream...and make you and our family proud!this year hasn't been one of the best years of my life, but I sit on my bed and think about you, and all the good memories we had, it puts a smile on my face! Its a shame we still can't make more memories to remember!:( natalies big day is not that far away now, I'm a bridemaids with my 4 inch heels, witch I love:) you should be here walking down there with us helping mum and natalie organize it, but your looking down on us and wishing her all the best I know you are! When I write on here it feels like we are sitting down having a proper girle chat! Anyway, better go if not I won't wake up in the morning, hah! Gemma, I just want to make you proud that's my goal, and hopefully one day you will be able to tell me if I have! I love you and miss you lots, more than anything! I love you to the moon and back over a thousand times!:* emma!xxxxxxxx Close
Happy 29th Birthday / X. Mum X. (mum)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING GEMMA
Another year has passed Gem I often wonder how I am still living! I still remember so clearly your 20th Birthday 2004 we all went to Frankie & Benny’s we always shared our birthday meal as my birthday is 2 days after yours, we got to discussing your 21st did you want a party? You had spoken to your friends about a fancy dress party but really was’nt sure then you suggested taking a stretch limousine with us all to “Chilli’s” your favourite restaurant in Canary Wharf! that was a year away so we had plenty of time to plan it! Or so we should have.!
2004 ended in a blur!! Yet before we knew it was February and approaching the 22nd your 21st birthday that was such a hard time for me your Dad sisters and brother how could we let such a special day pass without doing anything? As much as It was painful we decided to do what you had said you wanted at your 20th birthday we all went to “Chilli’s” and had a birthday meal this was the hardest thing I had done! To celebrate what had always been such a happy time without you was so very sad and heartbreaking! But we did it as well as releasing 21 pink balloons,your sisters bought little trinkets for you as what else could we do? And here we are now 2013
celebrating yet another birthday FOR you rather than WITH you ! this year is also such a special year for our family, Scott your brother will be celebrating his 21st this September infact we were recently discussing what you had planned for your big
day! Scott admitted he does not really remember a lot about this time he was only 12 so young and vulnerable! Yet we will never stop speaking your name Gem we may have so many precious memories of you yet will always wish we could have so many more!
Your Dad also will be 60 the end of the year his birthday always such a reminder of what happened to you!
26th November 2004 your very last meal with us for Dad’s birthday and the very last time we all saw you alive!!
We all take these times for granted but since you left Gem we
embrace even more so each birthday or anniversary..
No amount of years will ever stop the heartbreak we feel without you here yet I will always continue for as long as I live to include you in everything we do..
Love you Gem always and forever
Mum Dad, Natalie, Marie, Scott.
Your nieces & nephew Jess, Emma,
Daniel, & Summer.
8 Christmases Gone! / Emma!<3
Gemma! It's now been 8 years you haven't been here with us! It broke my heart when nan told us you were gone forever! I couldn't beleive it! I was only 5 but I've still got so many memories! You don't know about Daniel and summer! Well Daniel is looking forward to Christmas and to see what Santa has to bring him! Hopefully some very good toys as he has been good this year! Summer! She is soooo cheeky but adorable! She's looking forward to Santa coming! All she wants is a BIG present and colouring pencils! I'm looking forward to Christmas this year! Shame your not here with us! But your never forgotten and always in our hearts! I wonder if I'm on santas good list this year! Well I can defiantly tell you that jess isnt!! Haha! Gemma, the main reason I came and wrote this message is to show people you will never be forgotten and your always in our hearts! We miss you more than words can say! 8 years is so long! I would do anything to get you back and surprise everyone this Christmas! But life is harsh and you dont always get what you want!!:( I hope they are looking after you up there! And I promise I'm going to make you proud and look after our family! I know your looking down on me! And I'm trying to do you proud! Hopefully when I'm older I want to go into hair&beauty! Just like you did!! I promise I'm going to make you proud! I love you so much Words can't describe! Hope you have a wonderful Christmas Gemma! Merry Christmas!
I know i haven't wrote on here in a long time, but it doesn't mean i don't ever think of you, i light candles all the time for you, and am always talking about you to daniel and even complete strangers i look after at work know all abut you.
The tears are flowing tonight gemma, i feel really down and miss you so much, it really hurts, i wish i could do something to see you and have you with us gemma, my life will never be complete without you here.
I am home alone tonight and i feel really sad, longing to have you back hurts so much, i can't imagine how mum and dad feel it breaks my heart thinking how they do feel.
I wish you could meet my daniel he is my pride and joy such a loving little boy, he always asking about you and has known about you since he was a baby, i believe you watch him for me.
I often think about how life has gone and what you would be doing now, i just really hope i find someone soon gemma, to look after me and daniel, am sure your help me right?
Just want you to know i love you so much gemma, i will never forget you, hurts so much without you, you wasn't just my sister you was my best friend we had so much fun and laughts together, i miss that and our nights out, icso long for my sister to do that with, but i know never will be.
i love you forever & always.. / Jessica
I miss you so much..I hope you are okay up there & being looked after and enjoying the afterlife because i know down here, we all won't you back to make our family complete.
I was thinking today in one of my lessons, how life is unfair how it takes the people who deserve not to go, just like you Gemma!
I would love to know what you would look like now, whether you would still be doing all your beauty things, i wish you was here to help me out with it all..
Life will never ever be the same again without you.. I miss you more than words can say. I have only a few memories of life with you, which is sad because id love to have more, all i remember is sitting on your bed one day looking at all your tigers, laughing & listening to your music, wish i could have more memories just like that.
Life is unfair Gemma, you deserve to be here, with us all, celebrating your birthdays christmas's coming with us for meals out, but all we can do, is think about you & say our things, hopefully you will hear them.
I hope and believe that you are looking down on me, making all the hard times in life, easier.. i hope i made you proud.
I hope to meet you again one day, give you a big hug & tell you how much i missed you, but until that one special day, you will remain in my heart & thoughts, i think about you each & every day!
God only takes the best..
I love & miss you millions!
sleep tight my beautiful auntie
all my love..
Jess x x x x x Close
Happy birthday auntie gemma! / Jes
Happy Birthday my beautiful auntie! i hope you had a special day where ever you maybe today in the world..im sorry i couldnt be with everyone today to celebrate it with everyone, it didnt mean you wasnt in my thoughts like you are everyother day..
I just wish i could have come round to see you sung happy birthday, watched you open your presents and cards!
Today was hard especially not being able to be with our family to celebrate your birthday i thought about you every moment of the day..
Thankyou so much for watching over me in my maths exam today im sure you was, i hope i done you proud!
you will remain in my heart&mind every single moment of every day..never a day goes by when i dont think about you, wish i could see or hear your voice just one more time, but life is unfair..
i love&miss you so much my beautiful auntie, hope we meet again one day..
Jess x x x x x x x Close
28 tomow, where have the years gone since you left us,20 is last time i saw u, so long gem, so much has changed since then, you have a new nephew and niece, so sad you can never meet them. Daniel is always asking about you, he understanding a lot more now, and has made you a lovely picture to take to your tree tomow.
just wanted to say gem, i miss u more than words can say, i think about you each and every single day, always in my thoughts.
Happy 28th Birthday my dear sis, whereever you are
Each year gets harder for us all .. each day since you left us we have learnt to live each day so differntly without you.. most times we get through ok but birthdays and anniversaries are the times we find it so hard.. being together as we were the day you left is somethign we do each special time. Scott your brother is finiding it hard this year as he cant be home with us to visit your tree as we always do.. an hours trip just for a few minutes but we always have and always will make this trip for you.. it will be strange with all the family not being there but you will be remembered thatsw for sure! Jessica also cant make it she also has an important exam at school.. but there are always future years that they can be with us.. we have always been close but i think the events since your death have changed us all and we now feel the need to always be together just as we were in the hospital the day your life ended..
I have been reliving 1984 as this year the day of your birthday is a Wednesday the actual day you were born in 1984.. such a happy time and the best present i could have possibly had for my 28th birthday! how ironic is it that you would be 28 this birthday..
there is so much missing in our lives without you here Gem and always will be the saying "you dont know what you have until its gone" is sooo true..
Words cant explain how much i miss you and how much i wish you was here with us right now, wish you was here to spend all the christmas's and birthdays we have had to celebrate without you. we go to your tree every so often and make it look pretty and leave you little messages and flowers, sometimes it seems like the closest thing to you.
Summer is getting big now as is daniel, daniel always asks me about you when he comes into my room as he sees your picture in a frame on my side, its hard to explain but i just tell him that your up in the sky in a safe place, its just a shame that they will never get to meet you and see how much of a wonderful auntie you are..
We booked too go to new york the other week, so exciting, it was one of your favourite places, will be good, but will never be the same without you and the one empty gap in our family.
Doing my GSCE'S soon gemma, wanna do hairdressing when i leave school, wish you was here to help as you was always good at hair and makeup! remember all the memories of when you used too do my hair and makeup, and me and em used to try on all your shoes, and the girly chats on your bed, playing with your teddies! i will remember these memories forever and they will always be in my heart.
Bet your looking down on me and telling me not to silly and get upset, i try my hardest gemma!
wish i could see you one more time,talk to you one time and give you a big hug, but i guess life is un fair, hope you have had some good times up there gemma.
You'll always be in my heart forever as will the memories be, cant wait till we meet again, miss and love you so much my beautiful auntie, love
8 Xmas's without you / X. Mum X. (Mum)
my Darling Gemma, I get fed up saying the same thing over and over cos I know life can never have you in it.. I will never accept why your life had to end age 20 your brother Scott is in his 20th year now a daunting time for me as I keep thinking back to you only reaching 20.. I wish my words here could be happier but much as I try I will always have this emptiness that I have had since you left for good that horrible day December 2004 I know that this pain will never leave until the day I am taken from this earth.. We all think of you yet moreso this time of year we have all written our messages to you and will read them out after Xmas dinner and toast you with a drink..
Love you always and forever.. Xxxxx Close
7 Years / Marie
7 long years have passed without you.....Not a day goes by when i don't think of you or miss you my dear sis... At times its still so hard to believe that you are gone and gone forever at that!
Life has changed so much and i wish that you was here to share it all with us, Summer is 16 mths now and she has a picture of you in her room, i know that you look out for her as you do Jess and Emma.. When Summer is old enough to understand i will tell her all about you her very special Auntie, we have all missed out not having you here Gem.
Taking flowers to your tree is all we can do for you now...it seems so minimal but YOU will never be forgotten.
You will always have a very special place in my heart, but there will always be a huge void too, one that can never be filled.
I love you Gem now and always..
Sleep tight sis until we meet again xxxxxxxxxx Close
7 long years since u left us, a day i will never forget, a day my life changed forever, i miss you gemma so much, not a day goes by where i don't think of you, and wonder what you would be doing now, if only i could go back to when we were younger and happy and having lots of laughs, we were so close gemma, and i will always miss you!!!
Iwish you could my Daniel your nephew, he is asking lots about you, he always has looked at your pics right from a baby, and now asKs why you can't come back from the sky, he even told his friend today on the way home from school thats it's a very special day tomorrow for his auntie Gemma, it breaks my heart knowing you will never ever meet him, but for as long as i live he will know all about you, he always draws you a picture gem.
I miss you so much and wish i could do something to bring you back anything, so frustrating that your life was taken so quickly and unfairly, not fair.
Just want you to know that your never out of my thoughts , i love u more than words can say, were sisters always and I LOVE YOU GEMMA..
LOVE YOU ALWAYS YOUR SISTER NATALIE XXXXX 7 YRS TO LONG, XXXX
Missing you! / Jess
Its nearly been 7 years without you!:( I miss you so much my beautiful auntie Not a day goes by when I don't think about you or wish you was still here. I know i rarely write on here but that never means your not in my thoughts!
Always missed and never forgotten.
I love you so much Gemma..
All my love
As i sit and write this to you I long for you to be here with me.. i know this is stupid it is 6 yrs 6mths since you left my life forever!! yet i still sometimes have this longing for you here.. i suppose i always will.. we have just got back from our holiday away with your sisters nieces and nephew the family has grown and changed so much since 2004.. visiting a place we took you girls to 1987 when you were 3 years old Gem brought back so much to me.. places we visited thinking how life then was 1987 and having so much to look forward to in your life yet in an instance that was taken away from you.. I can't at times believe that you are gone forever it feels like you are just away.. how stupid is that... wherever you were Gem in this world i would have visited you by now i could not let all these years pass me by without seing or hearing from you again...
Life has gone on for me Gem and for everyone else in the family yet i will always be brought back to reality that you will never be coming back no matter how many years pass and no matter how many years i live life here without you..
I love you Gem and am missing you so very much.. this never changes
here I am writing yet another birthday message to you.. How i long to be able to write a card and give it you in person as i always did so much and so many things do we take for granted in life...one thing is for sure my darling i neverstop missing you and loving you.. the days months and years are passing so quickly.. since you left we have 2 new babies Daniel he is now 4 and baby Summer Gemma named after you is nearing 7 months I know you would love them both as you did Jessica and Emma who knows even you may have given me grandchildren by now! this is so hard for me Gem never seeing and watiching your children grow and also to see you grow and mature.. age 20 you were only just out of your teens now at 27 i'm sure you would have been so different.. at times thesethoughts torture me and i have to consciously think of something else other wise i think i would go mad!!
no amount of time can make a difference... I love you Gemma
I sit here once again 7th christmas without you here.. christmastime is always so very hard although we always have your sisters brother nieces and nephew with us i always always miss you being here too to have my 4 children all together again is something i will always long for.. we don't realise what we have until it's gone such atrue saying! i find myself thinking so much of christmas's past when you were all so very young thinking back these were the best days of my life though at the time never realise it we take so much for granted in everyday life even now i think we still do..
i will never accept you never ever being a part of my life even though your not physically here i always talk of you and forever are you in my mind and heart..
I love you Gem and wish you a hppy christmas wherever it is you may be..